A Little Misery

its a very surreal feeling when suddenly, nothing matters anymore.

had i been at home, and my things been stationed in their usual precise placement around my room, i think it safe to say that i would swept my arm across each flat surface, flinging all those items i had spent such careful hours selecting, letting them crash into the walls, or crumble to the ground, because for me, they had lost all meaning. i would have sunk to the carpet, or possibly curled up in the rubble, and cry for those things lost. not because they were broken, but because their importance had disappeared.

all importance has disappeared.

but i digress, because i was NOT at home, and all of my things are NOT placed around my room, in a precise manner, as they usually are, because my things are all in boxes, awaiting the eventual move that will happen "any day now" (or so i've been told for a month). its probably better that way; they are protected that way. they sit in boxes ironically labelled "handle with care". why should they be handled with care? does it really matter if they break? i suppose i used to think so. but now, i think part of me would relish in a morbid, slightly ritualistic destruction of them. like a cleansing of these "things" from my life.

because once again, i hoped. i pressed my face eagerly against the glass, only to be looking in at the candy store, but never allowed to taste the sweets. because other girls are lucky. not me. other girls meet a man, start a relationship, fall in love, and live blissfully with that person. often at their first time at bat. but for me, i just swing and miss until my arms are tired.

so, to all my things, my little "once precious" posessions, i apologize. you are haneously useless. you are but little broken dreams packed in newspapers and bubble wrap, trapped in a cardboard darkness. i wish that you could comfort me, but it seems that once you know what you want, anything else just seems a waste. and all that i want is in someone else's arms.

what's worse, is all that i want has someone else in his heart.

so i'll retire my thoughts for now and swim in a little misery.