It's not a competition.......... is it?

sometimes i wish that i could turn off the drive for companionship. i know its a basic human desire, but its just getting in the way of my brain focusing on other things. it i could just tell that part of my brain to go into sleep mode, i'd probably be way more on top of my schoolwork.  sometimes i'm disappointed that i can't compete with her. but in reality, i shouldn't have to, right?

i woke up late, AGAIN, today. sometime around noon i believe it was. and i needed to shop.

no, really, i did--- i needed all black clothes for my new job. so i snatched up John and we headed to South Coast Plaza. my shopping energy didn't last very long, due to my once-a-monthly (i know, "thank you for sharing", right?). so i refueled with a beef bowl and thai tea. it took 3 over the course of the week, but i think i've finally quenched my craving for them. what will it be next week? milk tea? white choco coffee?

despite the fact i knew it could lead to nothing good (i.e. spending unnecessary money), i suggested we go into Mitsuwa.  was QUITE happy to see Kazuya Kamenashi and KAT-TUN on various magazines, so i took a shot of a few of them. so far i'm enjoying "Yokai Ningen Bem", the new jdrama, but i think i like it mostly because of Kame-kun. i couldn't help but taking a picture of the character ramune in the grocery store. i love japanese markets, everything is so eye-catching. its like label eye candy. managed to snatch up Lari from Suite Precure, as well as a Suite ramune, which i shall wait to enjoy whilst watching the halloween episode that aired today, and will be subbed soon ^_____^.

overall, a pretty good day.

Confession no. 2

i have a little problem with negativity sometimes. or perhaps its bouts of pessimism. i suppose any number of melancholic interchangable words would sufficiently apply here, but in the interest of speeding along this entry, i'll simply go with those.

ever so often, i feel as though my chest is very heavy, life there is a sack of flour in my rib cage. its strange to me to have a physical manifestation of emotional pain. not that its unheard of, i suppose it just is curious that emotional and physical pain can have that kind of finite connection. when it happens, i can feel my face fall, and i know that my eyes stop twinkling. i've been told many times before that i "look down", and that the twinkle is gone from my eye. i'm not really sure what causes that; frankly, i wasn't aware my eyes had any kind of twinkle to be heard of. but after hearing it on multiple occasions, i suppose there could be some merit to it.

whether its a twinkle, or perhaps just an ovious, crestfallen facade, its plain to see when i get in one of these "negative pessimistic" doldrums. or slumps. moods? i digress. i find myself feeling that way right now, and i'm blogging about it because, well, i don't really want to talk to anyone about it. i think that makes me even more sad. its not that i don't want to talk to someone, on the contrary, i would readily pour my worries out to a willing ear. but the trouble is, i don't want people to know. i don't feel comfortable divulging my weak worries and sorrow on another person who can judge, ridicule, and/or not care. i tend to lump everyone i know into that category. i can't really pinpoint a reason for my discomfort in confiding in a friend.

i do, however, have one friend that i find i can always share these feelings with. but thats part of the problem-- he's out of touch. whether its coincidental, accidental, or done quite purposefully, i cannot get a hold of this friend. i worry that, because of recent events, perhaps this person is tired of me. perhaps i annoyed them. perhaps they have simply lost whatever fancy they held for me and now i seem dispensible and boring. to put it plainly,------

i'm scared he doesn't love me anymore.

and i'm quite annoyed with myself for these feelings. why do i get these inklings that another person doesn't like me? why do i always lean towards the dramatic, and make conflict where there wasn't one? i am imagining all kinds of negative feelings towards myself from this friend, with no real foundation for it other than a slight concern that i annoyed them. and two unaswered texts. and an unanswered phone call. you know, this overly-sensitive behavior alone is enough to make ME annoyed with me. why am i so annoying? why must i be so negative? why do i assume the worst?

is it fear? is it this childish issue with abandonment? why can i not let go of the past? while i have indeed been abandoned before, often with no clear cause of just reason, i cannot live my life worrying that my friends will one day up and leave without so much as a "so long". and it seems that the more i love a friend, the more sensitive i am to these feelings of abandonment. im always worried that i'm not useful, that people will let me go if they see no benefit to keeping me around. i worry that i am not pretty enough, not smart enough, or not fun enough for people to want me around. i feel i am useless to everyone, and that i must go out of my way in order to seem slightly of value. these terrible feelings make me want to cry. i don't want to think so horribly of myself. i want to think that i am pretty, and clever; i want to believe that i make people happy, and strive to do so. i really have to force myself to believe that sometimes. these wonderful things that i hope are true seem so hard for me to grasp. instead i focus on the unsightly, offputting aspects of my personality and assume that is all people see.

i suppose i should stop worrying about my friend. despite is unfailing ability to lend a compassionate ear, he cannot fix these problems. only i can. but i have been trying all my life to love myself. self-actualization is easily the biggest personal challenge i have. its strange, but i want that so much. i want better self esteem. i want to be able to see and love my personality, because when i do that, i will make them shine. and then others will see them too.

R.A.R. fash finds 01

Family Photo. 'Nuff Said.

you spin me full-circle baby

i just came full-circle today.

can i have a gold star?



i just feel like, despite the crap that happened, i am somehow back to normal. i feel like everything that went, well wonky, at the end of spring has somehow managed to re-arrange itself and fit back into the proper order of things. i suppose that doesn't quite make sense. strange how i can't make sense in plain english, but can somehow manage iambic pentameter.

if i were to describe it, i suppose i would have to say that i feel as though i am back to being the person i was before life went wonky, but at the same time, i am a new person who has grown from this haneous 7-month experience. i really feel like "Aino" again. for the longest time, i felt like i had lost myself, as though my sense of self and direction had become distorted. i had all of these things happening to me at once, all impacting me one after the other in a merciless barrage of soul-weakening artillery. but the smoke from the cease-fire has finally lifted, and i can see everything again.

well, not everything. thats the great part about life. you don't know which direction its going to go, all you can do is pick a road and do your best to travel it with a level head and full wallet.

i have neither o_O......

Curevore 02: Cure Blossom

Spicy Pork Ramen. 'nuff said.

i know i had a lot of lovely little things to blog about, but i've sort of forgotten all of them because of the deliciousness of Ajisen's spicy pork ramen.

it has that effect on me o_O

so if you observe the bastard child of a hipster hippie over here, you can see a photo i meant to upload on like, wednesday, (fail) because it was RAINING~! im so excited i had to add a squiggly to my exclamation point. please comment if you know what that thing is called, i really have no idea. *but i digress*.... i've been living in the desert for so long, i had forgotten what its like to have an *actual* rainy day! it was beautiful! i really can't tell you how happy i was. and this picture doesn't help because it makes it appear as though the rain was an oppurtunity to pose like an idiot o_O.

 so back to ramen. i had these really lovely plans to do a photoshoot yesterday. it was an idea i had for a long time, and i had really high hopes for it. buuuut little by little, everyone sort of dropped out. which was okay, since i had accidentally fried my wig in an attempt to straiten it. high temp fiber my ass.

anyway, so instead of shooting, i snaggled my photographer and Prince and King to go to Ajisen. lemme tell yah, soooo worth it. i hadn't been there in i think a year, which is sad. thats really too long in between ramens.

anyway, so of course, i had the spicy pork ramen again. i mean im very adventurous when it comes to food, but in this situation, i decided to stick to what i know, because i know it is DELICIOUS! it was the kind of situation where i remembered it being so good, that i sat down, opened the menu, eagle-eyed the SPR, pointed to it, shut the menu, and waited for the return of the waitress.

day = made.

pointless interwebs vent that no one will likely read

im having a little trouble with the person that i am, and the person that i'd like to be.

not that i don't like myself. i do for the most part. i think that you have to like yourself in order to have any smidgen of self-actualization. 

its just that i'm not sure if i like the person that i am right now. and that's the problem. usually, when im in a somewhat questionably ethical situation, i can spot the right way to go and just -- go. but, i find that in this situation, all the usual threads of right, wrong, injustice, cruelty, humility, kindness -- they're all tangled up, and i can't seem to separate the strands in order to sort the mess. Am i cruel? i suppose so. but, i'm also happy. am i cruel to be happy when someone else is hurting because of what i'm doing? yes. but, did this person also do something to me that made me unhappy? yes. did they do it to be cruel? no. am i doing this to be cruel? no. so, we both hurt eachother, but not on purpose. without even knowledge of eachother, we both indirectly caused the other pain. 

but im not even sure that's the part that bothers me. what bothers me is that i dont' know how to approach a friend. i want you to tell me that you still love me, that nothings changed. but how can it not? surely you see me differently now. im almost certain. how can i have not changed? you've changed too for that matter. not that you are any different than you always were, i just didnt' see it. it doesn't seem like this cruel thing is "you". it doesn't seem like "me" either. are we both acting cruel, but not really cruel at all? maybe we're both just pursuing the selfish desires that ethically we should hide away. maybe we're just trying to be happy.

but i think i'm fooling myself, because how can i be happy knowing that i am a second choice?

new October layout

I = Fantasy

its like audically addicting. i don't think thats a word. but i digress.




i was torn between See U and Sailor V for my October layout. i decided to go with See U and save V for November, when the second installment of the Sailor V manga debuts in America. i've been reading my PGSM and SV mangas super slowly, so as to savor the sailorness until vols 2 come out of each series in November. sadly there is no more V after that, but i will have PGSM coming out bi-monthly. do you have any idea how hard it is to make a manga last two months? i mean really. i can knock out one of those volumes in like a half hour.

well okay, longer than a half hour.


i like to enjoy the artwork ^___^

but again i digress. i'm going to stop talking for now. i leave you with See U's first single, I = Fantasy.