Confession no. 2

i have a little problem with negativity sometimes. or perhaps its bouts of pessimism. i suppose any number of melancholic interchangable words would sufficiently apply here, but in the interest of speeding along this entry, i'll simply go with those.

ever so often, i feel as though my chest is very heavy, life there is a sack of flour in my rib cage. its strange to me to have a physical manifestation of emotional pain. not that its unheard of, i suppose it just is curious that emotional and physical pain can have that kind of finite connection. when it happens, i can feel my face fall, and i know that my eyes stop twinkling. i've been told many times before that i "look down", and that the twinkle is gone from my eye. i'm not really sure what causes that; frankly, i wasn't aware my eyes had any kind of twinkle to be heard of. but after hearing it on multiple occasions, i suppose there could be some merit to it.

whether its a twinkle, or perhaps just an ovious, crestfallen facade, its plain to see when i get in one of these "negative pessimistic" doldrums. or slumps. moods? i digress. i find myself feeling that way right now, and i'm blogging about it because, well, i don't really want to talk to anyone about it. i think that makes me even more sad. its not that i don't want to talk to someone, on the contrary, i would readily pour my worries out to a willing ear. but the trouble is, i don't want people to know. i don't feel comfortable divulging my weak worries and sorrow on another person who can judge, ridicule, and/or not care. i tend to lump everyone i know into that category. i can't really pinpoint a reason for my discomfort in confiding in a friend.

i do, however, have one friend that i find i can always share these feelings with. but thats part of the problem-- he's out of touch. whether its coincidental, accidental, or done quite purposefully, i cannot get a hold of this friend. i worry that, because of recent events, perhaps this person is tired of me. perhaps i annoyed them. perhaps they have simply lost whatever fancy they held for me and now i seem dispensible and boring. to put it plainly,------

i'm scared he doesn't love me anymore.

and i'm quite annoyed with myself for these feelings. why do i get these inklings that another person doesn't like me? why do i always lean towards the dramatic, and make conflict where there wasn't one? i am imagining all kinds of negative feelings towards myself from this friend, with no real foundation for it other than a slight concern that i annoyed them. and two unaswered texts. and an unanswered phone call. you know, this overly-sensitive behavior alone is enough to make ME annoyed with me. why am i so annoying? why must i be so negative? why do i assume the worst?

is it fear? is it this childish issue with abandonment? why can i not let go of the past? while i have indeed been abandoned before, often with no clear cause of just reason, i cannot live my life worrying that my friends will one day up and leave without so much as a "so long". and it seems that the more i love a friend, the more sensitive i am to these feelings of abandonment. im always worried that i'm not useful, that people will let me go if they see no benefit to keeping me around. i worry that i am not pretty enough, not smart enough, or not fun enough for people to want me around. i feel i am useless to everyone, and that i must go out of my way in order to seem slightly of value. these terrible feelings make me want to cry. i don't want to think so horribly of myself. i want to think that i am pretty, and clever; i want to believe that i make people happy, and strive to do so. i really have to force myself to believe that sometimes. these wonderful things that i hope are true seem so hard for me to grasp. instead i focus on the unsightly, offputting aspects of my personality and assume that is all people see.

i suppose i should stop worrying about my friend. despite is unfailing ability to lend a compassionate ear, he cannot fix these problems. only i can. but i have been trying all my life to love myself. self-actualization is easily the biggest personal challenge i have. its strange, but i want that so much. i want better self esteem. i want to be able to see and love my personality, because when i do that, i will make them shine. and then others will see them too.