im having a little trouble with the person that i am, and the person that i'd like to be.not that i don't like myself. i do for the most part. i think that you have to like yourself in order to have any smidgen of self-actualization.
its just that i'm not sure if i like the person that i am right now. and that's the problem. usually, when im in a somewhat questionably ethical situation, i can spot the right way to go and just -- go. but, i find that in this situation, all the usual threads of right, wrong, injustice, cruelty, humility, kindness -- they're all tangled up, and i can't seem to separate the strands in order to sort the mess. Am i cruel? i suppose so. but, i'm also happy. am i cruel to be happy when someone else is hurting because of what i'm doing? yes. but, did this person also do something to me that made me unhappy? yes. did they do it to be cruel? no. am i doing this to be cruel? no. so, we both hurt eachother, but not on purpose. without even knowledge of eachother, we both indirectly caused the other pain.
but im not even sure that's the part that bothers me. what bothers me is that i dont' know how to approach a friend. i want you to tell me that you still love me, that nothings changed. but how can it not? surely you see me differently now. im almost certain. how can i have not changed? you've changed too for that matter. not that you are any different than you always were, i just didnt' see it. it doesn't seem like this cruel thing is "you". it doesn't seem like "me" either. are we both acting cruel, but not really cruel at all? maybe we're both just pursuing the selfish desires that ethically we should hide away. maybe we're just trying to be happy.
but i think i'm fooling myself, because how can i be happy knowing that i am a second choice?
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