time to show your mettle

i just kinda want to hurl, but im gonna use a cute happy icon anyway.

i have to do something this week. well, according to my best (girl) friend, i don't HAVE to do it and really SHOULDN'T do it. while i understood the point she was making and sort of agree with her, the reality is that i myself feel the need to go. its true, i'm not going to enjoy myself. and its going to be very difficult. but i have to go.

i have to prove to myself that everything is okay. i need to be able to be in a room with these people and not feel like my stomach is going to twist and implode. i have to be a good friend and show my support, because that's the kind of person that i am. i want to be that kind of person. it has nothing to do with him and everything to do with my expectations of myself. Aino is the kind of friend who is there when you need her, who cheers you on, and supports you. i am clearly establishing this with my prescence at this event.

so yes, its a tad masochistic of me to go. yes, i may want to hurl and or get drunk (which i don't really do). but i think i should do it. a sort of grit your teeth and get it over with situation.

i will be polite, kind, a social if need be. but in reality, this is how i feel about you: θ＼(；￢_￢)

time to get serious! >:[

that is my serious face.

>:[

actually that's my angry face, but i'm going to use it for serious anyway.

i feel like i've been acting weird with certain people lately. or at certain moments. i seem to be very passive and in an eager-to-please mentality to the point where i find myself apologizing for nothing and being extremely submissive. and i don't know what triggered that attitude from me, but frankly, i'm tired of it. it was one of those moments where you confront yourself and say "hey, uh, excuse me, but what the HELL do you think you're doing? grow some backbone you pansy! BE A MAN!"

okay, well, a woman. cause i'm not a man. not even a little bit >__<.

but i digress. the point im trying to make is that i am going to be more assertive, self-assure, and just a tad bit selfish. don't get me wrong, i have no intention of yeilding my generous nature, because i love doing things for other people. but i'm going to do more focusing on myself and my education. i purchased a large calendar and much better planner to help myself be organized (because let's face it, that's not my strong suit x___x). i'm going to work hard on my studies, my new part-time job, and my personal projects. i'm going to just worry about me for a while.

that being said, here's^ a Cure Rhythm drawing i'm working on. nearly done except for the rest of the fairy tones. cute little buggers, aren't they?

well...... that was interesting o____o

all i have to say is, it just half-way happened. so it only halfway counts.

that means that next time, i am going to be PREPARED! i'm talking hair cut and styled, makeup impeccable, ambiance set-up, and back-up youknowwhats.

I HAVE SPOKEN.

Nov layout.... five days late

.... and its Cure Rhythm <3

i guess when everything is said and done, im just too much a magical girl. despite my annoyance with my pinkish reputation, and can't stop loving it. although i do wish that people would realize there's more to me than ruffles, lace, and RPG toys.

but i digress.

right now i have more pressing issues to concern myself with. namely my depressed, pathetic mood i am currently wallowing in. i did not spend 30$ on materials for a DIY Siren kigurumi just to lay in bed all day in it. it needs to be shared with the world.

but i don't want to go outside. there's people outside o_O

Confession no. 3

okay so it's November, which means i need to change my layout to a new character, and therefore i technically shouldn't be using a SeeU icon. but since i haven't changed my layout yet, and really, no one reads this anyway, i don't think it matters much.

and with that being said, i hereby make another confession.

i'll keep this one short.

i'm mad at someone because they keep hurting me. but is it fair to be mad at them when they haven't done anything on purpose? its not THEIR fault i keep getting hurt. really its my own fault. in the first place, its my own stupid fault for not listening to the advice of people around me. secondly, its my own stupid fault for being so carefree about my emotions. i have this positivly terrible habit of loving people too much, oftentimes when they haven't earned it.

i can't help it--- i just get attached to people. besides, i don't think that people should have to earn love; everyone deserves to be loved. but at the same time, that does not mean you should get yourself so ridiculously attached to a person that you get your own heart stomped on because they aren't living up to your expectations or needs.

but i digress.

i don't know if i can say that i'm "mad" at you; if i had to put my feelings into words, its more sadness than anger. i'm sad dejected because i'm not important to you.  i think about you so much, i always include you in my life, i always go out of my way for you. but you don't do those things for me. i used to think i was important to you, but now, i think i was mistaken. i think that you are fine without me. i think you care more for someone else, you are more worried about them, and having them in your life, and thinking about them and spending your free time with them. i'm more of a way to occupy time when there's nothing better to do.

i'm such a fool.