time to show your mettle

i just kinda want to hurl, but im gonna use a cute happy icon anyway.

i have to do something this week. well, according to my best (girl) friend, i don't HAVE to do it and really SHOULDN'T do it. while i understood the point she was making and sort of agree with her, the reality is that i myself feel the need to go. its true, i'm not going to enjoy myself. and its going to be very difficult. but i have to go.

i have to prove to myself that everything is okay. i need to be able to be in a room with these people and not feel like my stomach is going to twist and implode. i have to be a good friend and show my support, because that's the kind of person that i am. i want to be that kind of person. it has nothing to do with him and everything to do with my expectations of myself. Aino is the kind of friend who is there when you need her, who cheers you on, and supports you. i am clearly establishing this with my prescence at this event.

so yes, its a tad masochistic of me to go. yes, i may want to hurl and or get drunk (which i don't really do). but i think i should do it. a sort of grit your teeth and get it over with situation.

i will be polite, kind, a social if need be. but in reality, this is how i feel about you: θ＼(；￢_￢)

time to get serious! >:[

that is my serious face.

>:[

actually that's my angry face, but i'm going to use it for serious anyway.

i feel like i've been acting weird with certain people lately. or at certain moments. i seem to be very passive and in an eager-to-please mentality to the point where i find myself apologizing for nothing and being extremely submissive. and i don't know what triggered that attitude from me, but frankly, i'm tired of it. it was one of those moments where you confront yourself and say "hey, uh, excuse me, but what the HELL do you think you're doing? grow some backbone you pansy! BE A MAN!"

okay, well, a woman. cause i'm not a man. not even a little bit >__<.

but i digress. the point im trying to make is that i am going to be more assertive, self-assure, and just a tad bit selfish. don't get me wrong, i have no intention of yeilding my generous nature, because i love doing things for other people. but i'm going to do more focusing on myself and my education. i purchased a large calendar and much better planner to help myself be organized (because let's face it, that's not my strong suit x___x). i'm going to work hard on my studies, my new part-time job, and my personal projects. i'm going to just worry about me for a while.

that being said, here's^ a Cure Rhythm drawing i'm working on. nearly done except for the rest of the fairy tones. cute little buggers, aren't they?

well...... that was interesting o____o

all i have to say is, it just half-way happened. so it only halfway counts.

that means that next time, i am going to be PREPARED! i'm talking hair cut and styled, makeup impeccable, ambiance set-up, and back-up youknowwhats.

I HAVE SPOKEN.

Nov layout.... five days late

.... and its Cure Rhythm <3

i guess when everything is said and done, im just too much a magical girl. despite my annoyance with my pinkish reputation, and can't stop loving it. although i do wish that people would realize there's more to me than ruffles, lace, and RPG toys.

but i digress.

right now i have more pressing issues to concern myself with. namely my depressed, pathetic mood i am currently wallowing in. i did not spend 30$ on materials for a DIY Siren kigurumi just to lay in bed all day in it. it needs to be shared with the world.

but i don't want to go outside. there's people outside o_O

Confession no. 3

okay so it's November, which means i need to change my layout to a new character, and therefore i technically shouldn't be using a SeeU icon. but since i haven't changed my layout yet, and really, no one reads this anyway, i don't think it matters much.

and with that being said, i hereby make another confession.

i'll keep this one short.

i'm mad at someone because they keep hurting me. but is it fair to be mad at them when they haven't done anything on purpose? its not THEIR fault i keep getting hurt. really its my own fault. in the first place, its my own stupid fault for not listening to the advice of people around me. secondly, its my own stupid fault for being so carefree about my emotions. i have this positivly terrible habit of loving people too much, oftentimes when they haven't earned it.

i can't help it--- i just get attached to people. besides, i don't think that people should have to earn love; everyone deserves to be loved. but at the same time, that does not mean you should get yourself so ridiculously attached to a person that you get your own heart stomped on because they aren't living up to your expectations or needs.

but i digress.

i don't know if i can say that i'm "mad" at you; if i had to put my feelings into words, its more sadness than anger. i'm sad dejected because i'm not important to you.  i think about you so much, i always include you in my life, i always go out of my way for you. but you don't do those things for me. i used to think i was important to you, but now, i think i was mistaken. i think that you are fine without me. i think you care more for someone else, you are more worried about them, and having them in your life, and thinking about them and spending your free time with them. i'm more of a way to occupy time when there's nothing better to do.

i'm such a fool.

It's not a competition.......... is it?

sometimes i wish that i could turn off the drive for companionship. i know its a basic human desire, but its just getting in the way of my brain focusing on other things. it i could just tell that part of my brain to go into sleep mode, i'd probably be way more on top of my schoolwork.  sometimes i'm disappointed that i can't compete with her. but in reality, i shouldn't have to, right?

i woke up late, AGAIN, today. sometime around noon i believe it was. and i needed to shop.

no, really, i did--- i needed all black clothes for my new job. so i snatched up John and we headed to South Coast Plaza. my shopping energy didn't last very long, due to my once-a-monthly (i know, "thank you for sharing", right?). so i refueled with a beef bowl and thai tea. it took 3 over the course of the week, but i think i've finally quenched my craving for them. what will it be next week? milk tea? white choco coffee?

despite the fact i knew it could lead to nothing good (i.e. spending unnecessary money), i suggested we go into Mitsuwa.  was QUITE happy to see Kazuya Kamenashi and KAT-TUN on various magazines, so i took a shot of a few of them. so far i'm enjoying "Yokai Ningen Bem", the new jdrama, but i think i like it mostly because of Kame-kun. i couldn't help but taking a picture of the character ramune in the grocery store. i love japanese markets, everything is so eye-catching. its like label eye candy. managed to snatch up Lari from Suite Precure, as well as a Suite ramune, which i shall wait to enjoy whilst watching the halloween episode that aired today, and will be subbed soon ^_____^.

overall, a pretty good day.

Confession no. 2

i have a little problem with negativity sometimes. or perhaps its bouts of pessimism. i suppose any number of melancholic interchangable words would sufficiently apply here, but in the interest of speeding along this entry, i'll simply go with those.

ever so often, i feel as though my chest is very heavy, life there is a sack of flour in my rib cage. its strange to me to have a physical manifestation of emotional pain. not that its unheard of, i suppose it just is curious that emotional and physical pain can have that kind of finite connection. when it happens, i can feel my face fall, and i know that my eyes stop twinkling. i've been told many times before that i "look down", and that the twinkle is gone from my eye. i'm not really sure what causes that; frankly, i wasn't aware my eyes had any kind of twinkle to be heard of. but after hearing it on multiple occasions, i suppose there could be some merit to it.

whether its a twinkle, or perhaps just an ovious, crestfallen facade, its plain to see when i get in one of these "negative pessimistic" doldrums. or slumps. moods? i digress. i find myself feeling that way right now, and i'm blogging about it because, well, i don't really want to talk to anyone about it. i think that makes me even more sad. its not that i don't want to talk to someone, on the contrary, i would readily pour my worries out to a willing ear. but the trouble is, i don't want people to know. i don't feel comfortable divulging my weak worries and sorrow on another person who can judge, ridicule, and/or not care. i tend to lump everyone i know into that category. i can't really pinpoint a reason for my discomfort in confiding in a friend.

i do, however, have one friend that i find i can always share these feelings with. but thats part of the problem-- he's out of touch. whether its coincidental, accidental, or done quite purposefully, i cannot get a hold of this friend. i worry that, because of recent events, perhaps this person is tired of me. perhaps i annoyed them. perhaps they have simply lost whatever fancy they held for me and now i seem dispensible and boring. to put it plainly,------

i'm scared he doesn't love me anymore.

and i'm quite annoyed with myself for these feelings. why do i get these inklings that another person doesn't like me? why do i always lean towards the dramatic, and make conflict where there wasn't one? i am imagining all kinds of negative feelings towards myself from this friend, with no real foundation for it other than a slight concern that i annoyed them. and two unaswered texts. and an unanswered phone call. you know, this overly-sensitive behavior alone is enough to make ME annoyed with me. why am i so annoying? why must i be so negative? why do i assume the worst?

is it fear? is it this childish issue with abandonment? why can i not let go of the past? while i have indeed been abandoned before, often with no clear cause of just reason, i cannot live my life worrying that my friends will one day up and leave without so much as a "so long". and it seems that the more i love a friend, the more sensitive i am to these feelings of abandonment. im always worried that i'm not useful, that people will let me go if they see no benefit to keeping me around. i worry that i am not pretty enough, not smart enough, or not fun enough for people to want me around. i feel i am useless to everyone, and that i must go out of my way in order to seem slightly of value. these terrible feelings make me want to cry. i don't want to think so horribly of myself. i want to think that i am pretty, and clever; i want to believe that i make people happy, and strive to do so. i really have to force myself to believe that sometimes. these wonderful things that i hope are true seem so hard for me to grasp. instead i focus on the unsightly, offputting aspects of my personality and assume that is all people see.

i suppose i should stop worrying about my friend. despite is unfailing ability to lend a compassionate ear, he cannot fix these problems. only i can. but i have been trying all my life to love myself. self-actualization is easily the biggest personal challenge i have. its strange, but i want that so much. i want better self esteem. i want to be able to see and love my personality, because when i do that, i will make them shine. and then others will see them too.