time to show your mettle

i just kinda want to hurl, but im gonna use a cute happy icon anyway.

i have to do something this week. well, according to my best (girl) friend, i don't HAVE to do it and really SHOULDN'T do it. while i understood the point she was making and sort of agree with her, the reality is that i myself feel the need to go. its true, i'm not going to enjoy myself. and its going to be very difficult. but i have to go.

i have to prove to myself that everything is okay. i need to be able to be in a room with these people and not feel like my stomach is going to twist and implode. i have to be a good friend and show my support, because that's the kind of person that i am. i want to be that kind of person. it has nothing to do with him and everything to do with my expectations of myself. Aino is the kind of friend who is there when you need her, who cheers you on, and supports you. i am clearly establishing this with my prescence at this event.

so yes, its a tad masochistic of me to go. yes, i may want to hurl and or get drunk (which i don't really do). but i think i should do it. a sort of grit your teeth and get it over with situation.

i will be polite, kind, a social if need be. but in reality, this is how i feel about you: θ＼(；￢_￢)

time to get serious! >:[

that is my serious face.

>:[

actually that's my angry face, but i'm going to use it for serious anyway.

i feel like i've been acting weird with certain people lately. or at certain moments. i seem to be very passive and in an eager-to-please mentality to the point where i find myself apologizing for nothing and being extremely submissive. and i don't know what triggered that attitude from me, but frankly, i'm tired of it. it was one of those moments where you confront yourself and say "hey, uh, excuse me, but what the HELL do you think you're doing? grow some backbone you pansy! BE A MAN!"

okay, well, a woman. cause i'm not a man. not even a little bit >__<.

but i digress. the point im trying to make is that i am going to be more assertive, self-assure, and just a tad bit selfish. don't get me wrong, i have no intention of yeilding my generous nature, because i love doing things for other people. but i'm going to do more focusing on myself and my education. i purchased a large calendar and much better planner to help myself be organized (because let's face it, that's not my strong suit x___x). i'm going to work hard on my studies, my new part-time job, and my personal projects. i'm going to just worry about me for a while.

that being said, here's^ a Cure Rhythm drawing i'm working on. nearly done except for the rest of the fairy tones. cute little buggers, aren't they?

well...... that was interesting o____o

all i have to say is, it just half-way happened. so it only halfway counts.

that means that next time, i am going to be PREPARED! i'm talking hair cut and styled, makeup impeccable, ambiance set-up, and back-up youknowwhats.

I HAVE SPOKEN.

Nov layout.... five days late

.... and its Cure Rhythm <3

i guess when everything is said and done, im just too much a magical girl. despite my annoyance with my pinkish reputation, and can't stop loving it. although i do wish that people would realize there's more to me than ruffles, lace, and RPG toys.

but i digress.

right now i have more pressing issues to concern myself with. namely my depressed, pathetic mood i am currently wallowing in. i did not spend 30$ on materials for a DIY Siren kigurumi just to lay in bed all day in it. it needs to be shared with the world.

but i don't want to go outside. there's people outside o_O

Confession no. 3

okay so it's November, which means i need to change my layout to a new character, and therefore i technically shouldn't be using a SeeU icon. but since i haven't changed my layout yet, and really, no one reads this anyway, i don't think it matters much.

and with that being said, i hereby make another confession.

i'll keep this one short.

i'm mad at someone because they keep hurting me. but is it fair to be mad at them when they haven't done anything on purpose? its not THEIR fault i keep getting hurt. really its my own fault. in the first place, its my own stupid fault for not listening to the advice of people around me. secondly, its my own stupid fault for being so carefree about my emotions. i have this positivly terrible habit of loving people too much, oftentimes when they haven't earned it.

i can't help it--- i just get attached to people. besides, i don't think that people should have to earn love; everyone deserves to be loved. but at the same time, that does not mean you should get yourself so ridiculously attached to a person that you get your own heart stomped on because they aren't living up to your expectations or needs.

but i digress.

i don't know if i can say that i'm "mad" at you; if i had to put my feelings into words, its more sadness than anger. i'm sad dejected because i'm not important to you.  i think about you so much, i always include you in my life, i always go out of my way for you. but you don't do those things for me. i used to think i was important to you, but now, i think i was mistaken. i think that you are fine without me. i think you care more for someone else, you are more worried about them, and having them in your life, and thinking about them and spending your free time with them. i'm more of a way to occupy time when there's nothing better to do.

i'm such a fool.

It's not a competition.......... is it?

sometimes i wish that i could turn off the drive for companionship. i know its a basic human desire, but its just getting in the way of my brain focusing on other things. it i could just tell that part of my brain to go into sleep mode, i'd probably be way more on top of my schoolwork.  sometimes i'm disappointed that i can't compete with her. but in reality, i shouldn't have to, right?

i woke up late, AGAIN, today. sometime around noon i believe it was. and i needed to shop.

no, really, i did--- i needed all black clothes for my new job. so i snatched up John and we headed to South Coast Plaza. my shopping energy didn't last very long, due to my once-a-monthly (i know, "thank you for sharing", right?). so i refueled with a beef bowl and thai tea. it took 3 over the course of the week, but i think i've finally quenched my craving for them. what will it be next week? milk tea? white choco coffee?

despite the fact i knew it could lead to nothing good (i.e. spending unnecessary money), i suggested we go into Mitsuwa.  was QUITE happy to see Kazuya Kamenashi and KAT-TUN on various magazines, so i took a shot of a few of them. so far i'm enjoying "Yokai Ningen Bem", the new jdrama, but i think i like it mostly because of Kame-kun. i couldn't help but taking a picture of the character ramune in the grocery store. i love japanese markets, everything is so eye-catching. its like label eye candy. managed to snatch up Lari from Suite Precure, as well as a Suite ramune, which i shall wait to enjoy whilst watching the halloween episode that aired today, and will be subbed soon ^_____^.

overall, a pretty good day.

Confession no. 2

i have a little problem with negativity sometimes. or perhaps its bouts of pessimism. i suppose any number of melancholic interchangable words would sufficiently apply here, but in the interest of speeding along this entry, i'll simply go with those.

ever so often, i feel as though my chest is very heavy, life there is a sack of flour in my rib cage. its strange to me to have a physical manifestation of emotional pain. not that its unheard of, i suppose it just is curious that emotional and physical pain can have that kind of finite connection. when it happens, i can feel my face fall, and i know that my eyes stop twinkling. i've been told many times before that i "look down", and that the twinkle is gone from my eye. i'm not really sure what causes that; frankly, i wasn't aware my eyes had any kind of twinkle to be heard of. but after hearing it on multiple occasions, i suppose there could be some merit to it.

whether its a twinkle, or perhaps just an ovious, crestfallen facade, its plain to see when i get in one of these "negative pessimistic" doldrums. or slumps. moods? i digress. i find myself feeling that way right now, and i'm blogging about it because, well, i don't really want to talk to anyone about it. i think that makes me even more sad. its not that i don't want to talk to someone, on the contrary, i would readily pour my worries out to a willing ear. but the trouble is, i don't want people to know. i don't feel comfortable divulging my weak worries and sorrow on another person who can judge, ridicule, and/or not care. i tend to lump everyone i know into that category. i can't really pinpoint a reason for my discomfort in confiding in a friend.

i do, however, have one friend that i find i can always share these feelings with. but thats part of the problem-- he's out of touch. whether its coincidental, accidental, or done quite purposefully, i cannot get a hold of this friend. i worry that, because of recent events, perhaps this person is tired of me. perhaps i annoyed them. perhaps they have simply lost whatever fancy they held for me and now i seem dispensible and boring. to put it plainly,------

i'm scared he doesn't love me anymore.

and i'm quite annoyed with myself for these feelings. why do i get these inklings that another person doesn't like me? why do i always lean towards the dramatic, and make conflict where there wasn't one? i am imagining all kinds of negative feelings towards myself from this friend, with no real foundation for it other than a slight concern that i annoyed them. and two unaswered texts. and an unanswered phone call. you know, this overly-sensitive behavior alone is enough to make ME annoyed with me. why am i so annoying? why must i be so negative? why do i assume the worst?

is it fear? is it this childish issue with abandonment? why can i not let go of the past? while i have indeed been abandoned before, often with no clear cause of just reason, i cannot live my life worrying that my friends will one day up and leave without so much as a "so long". and it seems that the more i love a friend, the more sensitive i am to these feelings of abandonment. im always worried that i'm not useful, that people will let me go if they see no benefit to keeping me around. i worry that i am not pretty enough, not smart enough, or not fun enough for people to want me around. i feel i am useless to everyone, and that i must go out of my way in order to seem slightly of value. these terrible feelings make me want to cry. i don't want to think so horribly of myself. i want to think that i am pretty, and clever; i want to believe that i make people happy, and strive to do so. i really have to force myself to believe that sometimes. these wonderful things that i hope are true seem so hard for me to grasp. instead i focus on the unsightly, offputting aspects of my personality and assume that is all people see.

i suppose i should stop worrying about my friend. despite is unfailing ability to lend a compassionate ear, he cannot fix these problems. only i can. but i have been trying all my life to love myself. self-actualization is easily the biggest personal challenge i have. its strange, but i want that so much. i want better self esteem. i want to be able to see and love my personality, because when i do that, i will make them shine. and then others will see them too.

R.A.R. fash finds 01

Family Photo. 'Nuff Said.

you spin me full-circle baby

i just came full-circle today.

can i have a gold star?



i just feel like, despite the crap that happened, i am somehow back to normal. i feel like everything that went, well wonky, at the end of spring has somehow managed to re-arrange itself and fit back into the proper order of things. i suppose that doesn't quite make sense. strange how i can't make sense in plain english, but can somehow manage iambic pentameter.

if i were to describe it, i suppose i would have to say that i feel as though i am back to being the person i was before life went wonky, but at the same time, i am a new person who has grown from this haneous 7-month experience. i really feel like "Aino" again. for the longest time, i felt like i had lost myself, as though my sense of self and direction had become distorted. i had all of these things happening to me at once, all impacting me one after the other in a merciless barrage of soul-weakening artillery. but the smoke from the cease-fire has finally lifted, and i can see everything again.

well, not everything. thats the great part about life. you don't know which direction its going to go, all you can do is pick a road and do your best to travel it with a level head and full wallet.

i have neither o_O......

Curevore 02: Cure Blossom

Spicy Pork Ramen. 'nuff said.

i know i had a lot of lovely little things to blog about, but i've sort of forgotten all of them because of the deliciousness of Ajisen's spicy pork ramen.

it has that effect on me o_O

so if you observe the bastard child of a hipster hippie over here, you can see a photo i meant to upload on like, wednesday, (fail) because it was RAINING~! im so excited i had to add a squiggly to my exclamation point. please comment if you know what that thing is called, i really have no idea. *but i digress*.... i've been living in the desert for so long, i had forgotten what its like to have an *actual* rainy day! it was beautiful! i really can't tell you how happy i was. and this picture doesn't help because it makes it appear as though the rain was an oppurtunity to pose like an idiot o_O.

 so back to ramen. i had these really lovely plans to do a photoshoot yesterday. it was an idea i had for a long time, and i had really high hopes for it. buuuut little by little, everyone sort of dropped out. which was okay, since i had accidentally fried my wig in an attempt to straiten it. high temp fiber my ass.

anyway, so instead of shooting, i snaggled my photographer and Prince and King to go to Ajisen. lemme tell yah, soooo worth it. i hadn't been there in i think a year, which is sad. thats really too long in between ramens.

anyway, so of course, i had the spicy pork ramen again. i mean im very adventurous when it comes to food, but in this situation, i decided to stick to what i know, because i know it is DELICIOUS! it was the kind of situation where i remembered it being so good, that i sat down, opened the menu, eagle-eyed the SPR, pointed to it, shut the menu, and waited for the return of the waitress.

day = made.

pointless interwebs vent that no one will likely read

im having a little trouble with the person that i am, and the person that i'd like to be.

not that i don't like myself. i do for the most part. i think that you have to like yourself in order to have any smidgen of self-actualization. 

its just that i'm not sure if i like the person that i am right now. and that's the problem. usually, when im in a somewhat questionably ethical situation, i can spot the right way to go and just -- go. but, i find that in this situation, all the usual threads of right, wrong, injustice, cruelty, humility, kindness -- they're all tangled up, and i can't seem to separate the strands in order to sort the mess. Am i cruel? i suppose so. but, i'm also happy. am i cruel to be happy when someone else is hurting because of what i'm doing? yes. but, did this person also do something to me that made me unhappy? yes. did they do it to be cruel? no. am i doing this to be cruel? no. so, we both hurt eachother, but not on purpose. without even knowledge of eachother, we both indirectly caused the other pain. 

but im not even sure that's the part that bothers me. what bothers me is that i dont' know how to approach a friend. i want you to tell me that you still love me, that nothings changed. but how can it not? surely you see me differently now. im almost certain. how can i have not changed? you've changed too for that matter. not that you are any different than you always were, i just didnt' see it. it doesn't seem like this cruel thing is "you". it doesn't seem like "me" either. are we both acting cruel, but not really cruel at all? maybe we're both just pursuing the selfish desires that ethically we should hide away. maybe we're just trying to be happy.

but i think i'm fooling myself, because how can i be happy knowing that i am a second choice?

new October layout

I = Fantasy

its like audically addicting. i don't think thats a word. but i digress.




i was torn between See U and Sailor V for my October layout. i decided to go with See U and save V for November, when the second installment of the Sailor V manga debuts in America. i've been reading my PGSM and SV mangas super slowly, so as to savor the sailorness until vols 2 come out of each series in November. sadly there is no more V after that, but i will have PGSM coming out bi-monthly. do you have any idea how hard it is to make a manga last two months? i mean really. i can knock out one of those volumes in like a half hour.

well okay, longer than a half hour.


i like to enjoy the artwork ^___^

but again i digress. i'm going to stop talking for now. i leave you with See U's first single, I = Fantasy.

Should I? Yes. Will I? most likely no.

i just...... yah.

i'm not sure how i feel about today.



so, i am *FINALLY* in my new house. and its been great, despite the fact that nearly all my plumbing completely sucks and is failing me. to make a long story short, i may have to start doing dishes in the bathtub. which seriously, i am not looking forward to.

but i was doing good. things were coming together. it felt like my world was looking up.

but then i got sad.

not too sad. just a little sad. it was one of those momentary lapses where i feel completely shoved aside, as though i am not worth it and am not important. que abandonment issues T___T. i have to remind myself that i am responsible for the position i have put myself in. i have to remember my place. and at the end of the day, i have to learn to live with the fact that i am a second choice; a side dish, not the main course. if i can't accept that, than i have to change my position. but i also have to remember that if i change my position, i may lose a few things. so i have to decide for myself whether those things are important enough that i am willing to continue to be "like this".  to be quite honest, i'm not sure. that's the funny thing about knowing what you should do, what the ethical choice is. but you don't want to do it. for whatever reason. and you continually ask yourself "what should i do?".

i do know what i should do. but, most likely, i won't do it.

so i'll handle the consequences. reap what i sow. yadda yadda.

for now, here's a WIP that, most likely, i will never finish. ever so often i like to try painting in photoshop, and it usually never gets completed. but that's okay, we'll call it "practice".

this is Tacey, one of the secondary characters in "The Goose Girl". she currently has no mouth, and a misplaced nose.

Curevore 01 - Cure Aqua

Inspiration Pick: Claire Keane

although Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie (the artwork is amazing XD), my favorite Disney Princess is Rapunzel. While the film Tangled was wonderfully done, I have to say that one of my favorite aspects of it is the artwork done by Claire Keane.

 Claire Keane is the daughter of none other than the animating legend Glen Keane. If you don't know who that is, please google it. Seriously. Inform yourself.

Anyway, this is my "Inspiration Pick" for today. Her use of texture and color is soft and mysterious, and fits wonderfully (or at least i think so) with the more mature side of the Rapunzel story. Her designs for the film were feminine and whimsic, and honestly, i wish there was a stronger feel of it in the finished product. Though i must say the influences of Claire are definitely present in Tangled.

 As girly as i myself am, i do tire of over-girlyness. too much pink makes my right eyeball twitch. So i love the mix of classic femininty in these paintings. It doesn't feel like you're getting shot in the eyeball with girlyness.

i know i used "eyeball" twice in that paragraph but it needed to be done.

my favorite and final painting for this post. i hope to adopt some of the texture and interest of this style by practicing with it. its so different from what i usually do, but im hoping to expand my abilities and at the same time, capture a feeling in my artwork that seeps with mystery and fantasy the way this work does.

artsy-fartsy and online gaming

so, have you ever seen the episode of "The Big Bang Theory" called "The Barbarian Sublimation"?

Well, if you have, i would just like to say, ----- i do not have cheetos in my hair.


these past few weeks have been a strange mix of happiness and frustration. i am really enjoying the fashion program at my school, im happy that im finally living with my boys (though not yet in our home), and am getting to spend some lovely quality time with my sister. however, i am STILL NOT in my new home, am having rather poor luck with dating, and have been eating like a pig.

so, while hanging out with my boys, Akira got me addicted to "Dragon Saga", an MMORPG. he, myself, and Lulu have been pulling all-nighters in a determination to level up XP. i am back at my parents house, and spent WAY too much time on it. despite feeling like a lazeball, i am rather pleased with myself for being a level 21 monk.

someone please save me from myself o___o

BUT, i am being somewhat productive: here is a piece im working on while it was in sketch phase, and the current progress of the colors. it makes me feel better about being useless and addicted to online gaming @__@

i wish i was eating that crepe right now. but its alright-- i had delicious Chocolate Chai Milk Tea :3

almost no longer not-quite-homeless

i got my new glasses. they are big and square and nerdy. i like them. i look like a geek; which is why i like them :3

that tangent tidbit being said, i was very happy to hear that my Royal Manor may finally be ready for us to move in. The listing agent, who was a very nice British woman with too much lipliner, had high hopes for closing the deal and having us in by the end of the week. Despite her confident tone, i myself will not trust too much to hope. seeing as the phrase "any day now" has been floating around for a month. actually, more than a month. like, a month and a half.

but hey, who needs solid dates and deadlines when you have useless generic tautology?

in the meantime, here is a sketch of Minuet Fleischer, my little goose girl.

A Little Misery

its a very surreal feeling when suddenly, nothing matters anymore.

had i been at home, and my things been stationed in their usual precise placement around my room, i think it safe to say that i would swept my arm across each flat surface, flinging all those items i had spent such careful hours selecting, letting them crash into the walls, or crumble to the ground, because for me, they had lost all meaning. i would have sunk to the carpet, or possibly curled up in the rubble, and cry for those things lost. not because they were broken, but because their importance had disappeared.

all importance has disappeared.

but i digress, because i was NOT at home, and all of my things are NOT placed around my room, in a precise manner, as they usually are, because my things are all in boxes, awaiting the eventual move that will happen "any day now" (or so i've been told for a month). its probably better that way; they are protected that way. they sit in boxes ironically labelled "handle with care". why should they be handled with care? does it really matter if they break? i suppose i used to think so. but now, i think part of me would relish in a morbid, slightly ritualistic destruction of them. like a cleansing of these "things" from my life.

because once again, i hoped. i pressed my face eagerly against the glass, only to be looking in at the candy store, but never allowed to taste the sweets. because other girls are lucky. not me. other girls meet a man, start a relationship, fall in love, and live blissfully with that person. often at their first time at bat. but for me, i just swing and miss until my arms are tired.

so, to all my things, my little "once precious" posessions, i apologize. you are haneously useless. you are but little broken dreams packed in newspapers and bubble wrap, trapped in a cardboard darkness. i wish that you could comfort me, but it seems that once you know what you want, anything else just seems a waste. and all that i want is in someone else's arms.

what's worse, is all that i want has someone else in his heart.

so i'll retire my thoughts for now and swim in a little misery.

a little scetch post and some whining

i was working on a little sketch of Komachi and decided to take a picture. sharing is caring.

for once, i think i'll ink it traditionally. you know, just for laughs. not that i really ever ink anything anyway. i mostly just use the pencil as the lineart. but after staring at Kanon Wakeshima's artbook for so long, i have gotten the inkling for inking.

come to think of it, i don't think i've done any drawing in well over 2 weeks. maybe even 3. i've had so much going on, i haven't drawn, or done fashion design, or anything creative worthwhile. but i needed a good distraction. i was pissy over something that is probably nothing. i suspect a friend may be acting in a manner not-so-friendlike. which is exactly what bothers me--- i assume the worst before knowing the facts. i've been giving him the benefit of the doubt though, which i will do until i talk to him and get the real story. but if there indeed *is* foul play afoot, than i'm going to introduce him to the business end of a bitch-slap.

Tanabata Festival [Little Tokyo, Torrance]

I walked down the streets of Little Tokyo in Los Angeles California, and as i strolled through all the booths in the plaza, i actually felt out-of-place because i WASN'T wearing a Yukata.

o_O.

Not that it really mattered; at that time of morning, the festival wasn't crowded, and there was a hardly a yukata-wearing woman to be seen. however, it just didn't feel like a summer festival [natsu matsuri] without one. or perhaps i just watch too much anime and find myself in dorkish admiration of the star-studded evenings on a summer night when the characters all don summer kimono and eat and play amid the bursting fireworks.

but yes, i admit it; i wanted a yukata. to you know, be one of the "cool people". despite the festival filling with yukata as the day wore on, i still stuck out like a sore thumb via my platinum blonde hair and severely american appearance. oh well. caucasian is as asian does.

i was attending the festival with my friend john, but happily ran into Hiko and her boyfriend, Lek. i have no problem admitting my jealously of Lek for having snatched up one of my positively favorite galpals. she's just too cute. her face brings me joy. which i made very clear to everyone in a 20 foot radius when i screamed her name and ran towards her. i declare, i just don't know WHAT has happened to my shame.

Aside from taking multiple pictures of the decorations, which i love, i also took a few of the Labbits from the museum exhibit, and a few random candids.

i am also proud to say i managed to find a Cure Mint trading fig [my favorite Precure ^___^], the first volume of Suite Precure manga, and 2 Kanbe Miyuki musicals, which i snatched up for only 50 cents. what. a steal.

oh, and not that i should admit it, but i also got 2 goldfish from the goldfish scoop game at the Marukai Tanabata festival. but, i didn't actually win them. i failed like 4 times. i think they were consolation fish. oh well. at least i got fish. i named them Rodolpho and Jean Luc.

 it really is impossible for me to pass up takoyaki.

 john's "i don't want to be here" face. xD even though he did want to be there.